HA! Me? Depressed????? NEVER!!!!
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You think poetry is depressing here, go read my orange poem. (Too lazy to find it)

No, Eyebrows can think what he wants. He doesn't care. So why should I care about his opinion?
He lacks the true ability to discuss and to debate. Sad for him. But oh well.

You've never read my poetry.

And it's "your", not "you're".

Yes, I lack the ability to debate. Note all the "shut the fuck up, YOU'RE poetry sucks!" responses I get. I have the problem?

Give me one poem to analyze, I'll take it apart, line by line, in a fair, objective, critical way.

Number 21, 'Sovereignty' and/or Number 23 'The Last We Will Know', thank you. You could check out the latest 'Love Never Dies' if you want too, but even I know it has a lot of flaws. I am still very satisfied with the way it turned out, though.

Now, let's hold hands and wish SI a great weekend.

Preface: My criticism stands namely on things that need to be corrected, and not mindless praise and silly emotional outbursts ("it brought tears to my eyes!"), which, I'm sure, you get enough of.

(I realize I analyzed the wrong one here, so you get a freebie)

Beneath the surface I swim
Holding my breath as I sink deeper into the void
My voice is forgotten and therefore
I surrender my liberty
These sores that I have dragged through my lifetime
They have gotten the best of me
They have lurked into my veins
Ensnared my very thought
Along these divided colours and shapes I saw
That I was the only receiver

I whisper to myself from under the flow
But the sirens screams too loud
Their voices
Far surpasses mine
The beyond pierces my body
And smoke arises from the flesh
The bitter taste of anger ravage me
I realize
That all relations are artificial
The dust surrounds me
As I sink even deeper

I am a friend of the darkest intentions
And run with the starlight to the end
To where all lies
Where all begins and all ends
The burning flames twists my mind
Extracts my very mind
To rejoice
With the remains
Of this crimson world
My blessing
Underneath the surface


In all, the imagery is very superfluous and overdone. "Sink deeper into the void" is a good example. In my view, all such verbiage shows that you are trying way too hard. And, really, words like "therefore" ruin the expressive aspect of a poem. It's too explicative for poetry, it belongs in essays and other works of prose. Poetry is not about explaining all the details; it's more of presenting an image, feeling, idea, etc. that lacks such empirical work.

There are grammar problems here and there (the sirens screams too loud, their voices far surpasses mine), but that really isn't my focus, I'm attempting to criticize the poetic endeavor at work here.

As a whole, these phrases and such are basically typical of what I see here and in almost all of angsty teenage poetry. It's all so dramatic and ridiculous at times. "Where all begins and ends" is an example of that kind of melodrama at work. Such bombast does not make for a good poem.

The last few lines, where "mind" is repeated, detracts from any kind of rhythmic feeling of closure as a poem should have at the end (generally).

Ok, that was somewhat subjective at times, but what have you. For curiousity's sake, do you read poetry? If so, what poets?


21. Sovereignty

A time to think back and purify
The false empty regrets of the intellect
Perceptions in vapour dead through raindrops
Vague charades and ghosts from the past
Lay broken and astray
As I breathe the night in and out
This cold morning collides and dies
Like it has so many times before

Periphery of broken retaliations
This is the source of all life
The source of all thought
The source of all being
No praying, or seeking
Nor journeying nor merging
Will lead you to the traces of the white light
It all lies within
You and me
Where the twilight divides the sense
Of the reflections in your heart


Most of what I said for the first one applies here, as regards to imagery and diction. There is no subtlety in this poem. Everything is put forth, shoved out, and its course is traveled without any variation or any sense of restraint. And I think that maybe you haven't edited these, and just kind of thought it and wrote it down with no real cognizance. You must understand, poetry is an artform that requires dilligent proofreading and merciless editing at times. It comes with the territory, and it's not a personal judgement. What I'm really saying with this one (and the last one) is: tone it down.


23. The Last We Will Know

The tempter
It's almost night
The clouds are streaked with violet
The darkling souls lurks in between
Seeing and unseeing
Blessing and unblessing
Knowing and unknowing
Fear is forever the objective
In these woodland surroundings

The accuser
As we all walk across these meadowless fields
Drums of thunder across Earth
Igniting, watching this solar birth
Into the realm of lifelessness
Blistered, halfly crazed
Out of focus but still clear
We see your pathetic face
Behind the mask you've worn
We see your face unscorn

The tribute to sorrows that has passed
Washed adrift, suspended in grief
Never to lift your filthy spirit

The tempter
Water in a faucet like poetry in the mind
Blurry vision through sunken eyes
Pulsate drop and idle hearts stop
Thoughts becoming numb
As you all will...
Witness the final words I've spoken


Idem per idem, Thursday. You must learn the art of balance in terms of having a thesis to your work, but also being subtle in the execution.
But...wait! I actually like the first few lines of "The tempter", but I feel (this is personal, not really objective) that "thoughts becoming numb" brings it down a step. It's too rock n' roll, I guess, too Linkin Park, or something. And sorry to point out, but "unscorn" is not a word. What did you mean by that phrase anyway?
And so what is this poem's thesis, its main point that is trying to be expressed? And what did you mean by "As you all will.../Witness the final words I've spoken"?



See, I can be reasonable, though these criticisms may sound rather harsh. But, hey, that's art, and you need critical (read: mean, if necessary) people to help shape it. That's how this genre works.

/me applauds eyebrows D:

/me 's lights turn on and off because he has the clap on clap off thing :"(

-Doom

If it isn't too much trouble could you please "take mine apart" as well. Here it is.

The one entitled "Blue Moon" please.

I never said that once to you. I told you what I thought. And it's still what I think.

You can analyze and take apart every poem on SI for all I care. I don't think a poem is meant to be analyzed like that. It's about the feelings the poet tried to put in it. The feelings you get from it. The emotions expressed. The meaning behind it. Or the meaning the reader gets from it.
And that's how I see it.

Edit:
But it is nice that the others like the analyzes. And I know Doom wants his poems to be commented on like that. I just don't. Not with any poet and not with any poem. Cause I don't read poems like that.

Ooh, I wrote a poem:

Death
She kills herself
because she is sad
I kill myself
because I am sad
she takes pills cause she is sad
I take pills because I am hurt

I think I'm the next Poe.

Did you say Idiot? Oh...that was Poe? Sorry I get confused. At least Eyebrows defends himself and debates because he thinks he has a point. But you, you sir are simply a fool and nothing more.

Why do you even return to SI you don't contrbute anything useful.

You seem to like to post in my topic here, now don'tcha?
It was a break in the fighting, relax. Laugh a little.

And, I'm supposed to know this is a joke? In a thread that is about depressing poetry? Right

And we were conversing in this thread with Eyebrows, not you...although yes, you are the fool who made this hateful thread. I'm going to stand my ground and leave it (for now)at this, you remind me of Squall_2.

That should be enough of an insult for today.

Thank you a lot Eyebrows.

Oooo very good. You're right I haven't. And you're right I DID spell "your" wrong. Thank you for pointing that out.

But I was....kidding. Sheesh. Couldn't you pick out the sarcastic tone in my voice?

Poem for you to criticize

The poem I just wrote and posted is depressing, but I'm not like that at all! I just wrote what came from my fingertips. I know sometimes my poems come off as depressing, really depressing, but it's not like I'm a cutter. Sometimes depressing poetry can be good. I'm not saying it all is good, but then again I'm not saying it all sucks. You have to look deep in the poem and find the beauty of the writing.

/me sees opportunity to advertise non-depressing love poems(check link in my sig - mwahahahaha!!!)

though i don't really enjoy reading the depressing ones i totally understand why someone writes them. some people just don't like to read love poems and stuff. well i can't say i agree, but if that's what they want... the best we can do is avoid reading the ones we don't really dig, but telling em to stop - - - impossible.

Not all poems have to be depressing, but if the poet is always depressed, then that is how their poems will come out. This debate blows...

Or maybe they can find strength and transcend such temporal feelings, and in turn, create valid work, instead of whining all the time.